Sarah-Kate Salmon

My friend is saying mean things behind my back

Sarah-Kate Salmon
My friend is saying mean things behind my back

One of the worst feelings is finding out that a friend of yours is talking badly about you, or causing drama behind your back. Girl, I get it. Sometimes it’s them telling everyone who you like, starting a rumor that is not true, or just being mean and complaining about you. This hurts because we trust our friends, and do not like to see that trust broken!

There are a few things you can do to get through this rough time:

1. Don’t assume the worst! This means do not jump to conclusions and automatically believe someone when they say one your friends told so-and-so about your huge crush on that really cute boy. When we hear that, our first reaction may be to freak out and get back at them. But, as hard as it is, stay calm until you know the whole story! Maybe your friend accidently said something, or someone guessed then blamed her. Try and hear her out first! Make sure you check the source from where you heard this. Is it a drama queen at school who likes to stir trouble? Maybe she’s just trying to separate you and your friend. Find a time to calmly and privately ask your friend about what you heard, and give her a chance to explain.


2. Don’t play her game! If it is true that your friend is talking badly about you, the worst thing you can do is start talking about her. Be the bigger person! Find your real friends and focus on growing those relationships; focus on love! The time spent bashing this other girl is not worth the negativity you will feel.


3. Know that it might not be about you. Sometimes girls who are feeling insecure about themselves, or dealing with another issue (sadly) put others down to make themselves feel better. So, if this girl is saying bad things about you, it might not even be really about you. It might be because of her own issues or hurt. So, know that you are still loved – no matter what anyone says – and she is, too. (Maybe you both needed to be reminded of that right now!)


4. Work on forgiving her and moving on. God asks us to forgive those who hurt us, just as He forgives us (and believe me, we’ve each messed up way more!). A couple things to ask yourself here are: a) Is what she said worth ending the friendship over, or can we move on? And b) If not - how can you forgive her and remain calm around each other? If she told someone a deep dark secret, yeah, it may be best to give yourselves a break and some space, as it will be hard to trust her. But if it was something silly like “I didn’t like her hair today”, maybe a simple chat with your friend about how you feel will solve things. You don’t need to be best friends with people who hurt you, but try to make peace as best you can if she is willing. Remember, no matter what, forgiveness is key. Loving confrontation is necessary to deal with conflict. (For more on dealing with conflict, check out our ‘How To’ article by clicking HERE!)


5. Pray about it! The most important thing is to approach the situation in prayer. Ask God to give you peace and help you to be calm while dealing with the conflict. It is hard to act like Jesus in these moments, but it is much better than doing it our way and ending up with more hurt!


Surround yourselves with good friends, BE a good friend to others, find a youth leader or other adult to help you deal with this situation and be encouraged, and remember - YOU ARE LOVED and we are CALLED TO LOVE others!


Here are some Bible verses to check out as well!

1 Peter 3:9: “Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.”

Proverbs 15:18: "A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel.”

Matthew 18: 21-22 NIV: Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times? “Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.”

Matthew 5:43-44: “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you..”